Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
