my mouth tastes like poor choices
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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