I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
