put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
