She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
