I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
