If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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