my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
