I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
