I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
