I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
