apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
