god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
