Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize