speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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