my phone needs a breathalizer
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
