Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
