seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
