This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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