you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's blow job season.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
