just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
