My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
