The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
