i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
