I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
