Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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