There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
