3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
People with herpes should wear stickers.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
