i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I would ride that face into the sunset
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
