Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
