just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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