you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
