Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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