you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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