The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
