happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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