I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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