i think i have two assholes
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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