an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
