he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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