this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
