Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
