nut hugger
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
