I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
