I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
