i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
