Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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