I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
