I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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