My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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