The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
